I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
