Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Your cock deserves a montage
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize