oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
