Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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