It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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