I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
