I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
