Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize