If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
