I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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