Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
