Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
