i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
