someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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