I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
