My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
