Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
