you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
