Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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