highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
