i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
