In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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