remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
