Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
