you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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