we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
