She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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