Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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