I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
