Little spoons don't ask big questions
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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