Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
