Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
