Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
