Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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