They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
