I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
