The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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