He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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