Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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