Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
