I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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