New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
