Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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