the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
