Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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