I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
then he tried to convert me to islam
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
