i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
