I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize