i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
