I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
