in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
