Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
