I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
