Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
