He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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