he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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