tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
