turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
