my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
