I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
