I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
