I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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