There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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